ORINDA — Monique Parrish stood in front of an audience at the Lafayette Library Learning Center, overwhelmed by the sheer number of people in attendance at her book signing and feeling nervous and vulnerable beyond measure.
She never dreamed of writing a memoir about her childhood family struggles but life happened and decided that for her. It was a story, she said, that needed to be told.
“I thought I would be judged for not connecting with my mother,” she said of the event.
As a clinical social worker who, for many years, had listened to other women’s struggles, Parrish realized she had to face the truth about her own struggle. And after years of coping with the harsh realities and complexities of her relationship with her mother, she finally put pen to paper.
“Despite our twisted upbringing, my mother could be both attentive and kind at times,” Parrish wrote in her newly released memoir, “Chasing Mother.” “It was that elusive mother that I chased for decades. As she dangled affection and the hope of something more in front of me, I was certain that if I tried hard enough she would love me completely.”
In her memoir, Parrish, who grew up outside of Philadelphia, writes to tell her truth.
“Writing it, I hoped, would be cathartic, and it has been,” said the Orinda resident and founder of LifeCourse Strategies, a health care consulting firm addressing the needs of underserved and disadvantaged communities. “But I was also motivated by the hope that I might help others — not because my story is unique — but because suffering is common, particularly the kind that occurs when one human being, intentionally or not, crushes the soul of another.”
Parrish said she was initially reluctant to show excerpts of her memoir to her writing coach, Cynthia Leslie-Bole.
“I knew I wanted to tell a story that was percolating inside of me,” Parrish said. “But I didn’t know how I was going to do it.
“I saw her turn her life story from a burning but unformed drive into a very powerful and well-crafted book, with the goal of honoring her own healing journey and providing inspiration for others to do the same,” said Leslie-Bole, who also lives in Orinda. “Her passion and dedication throughout the writing and editing process were amazing — she is clearly a gifted writer who doesn’t shy away from the hard work necessary to craft a compelling story. And I am always struck by the way she plays with language, clearly loving the sounds of words, even while detailing the horrors of the childhood abuse and neglect she suffered.”
Parrish’s memoir, she said, is a moving portrait of a resilient, indomitable spirit. As a clinical social worker, Parrish has the ability to plumb the depths of her parents’ mental illnesses, but she avoids clinical labels and instead opens up the experience of the children who suffered, as well as the twisted minds of the adults who failed to protect and nurture them, said Leslie-Bole.
“Her keen insight really helped me understand what previously had been unfathomable to me: how can family systems become so warped, how can outsiders so often fail to notice and intervene, and how are some abused children able to rise above their wounds to create successful lives?” she said.
Throughout the writing process, Leslie-Bole said she marveled at Parrish’s vivacity, her hugely compassionate heart, and her ability to celebrate both her scars and her healing.
“When she visited my book group, we were all moved to tears hearing her speak about the effects of her childhood abuse, as well as the ways in which she has triumphed by creating a happy marriage, building a professional career helping others, and raising three beautiful children,” she said. “We were all struck by her candor, courage and irrepressible zest for life. In spite of it all, Monique is an optimist whose light shines even brighter because of the darkness she has known.”
Parrish’s friend, Cheri Etheredge, a pediatric nursing professor who’s studied growth and development for 40 years, said she knows what all the theorists say will happen if a child does not receive love and attention in a stable environment.
“Monique had very little of what she needed to meet the milestones of development but somehow grew up to be the most loving, joyful, and caring person I have ever known,” Etheredge said.
Examples of Parrish’s caring nature include: taking soup to ill friends, delivering unexpected gifts to people when they are going through a hard time, volunteering at a women’s homeless shelter, and the work she does every day to research topics such as palliative medicine, said Etheredge.
“Reading her book helped me understand her better but it also made me marvel at how she literally raised herself,” she said. “The neglect was pervasive from both of her parents but she was fortunate that she had a couple of mentors in her life who supported her. Parts of the book were difficult for me to read because I was reading about someone that I knew and cared about, but it helped me realize the miracle of how she not only survived such an upbringing but became a person who is well-educated, has a wonderful marriage, raised three very successful children, and cares deeply for others. To me, her ability to transcend her upbringing is inspiring for anyone who reads her book. Her greatest thrill will be to know that she has affected other people who may have had similar experiences, in a positive way.”
Parrish said she hopes her story allows readers, who have not experienced this kind of suffering, to better understand people who have. For those who may still be experiencing a similar trauma, she has this to say:
“I hope my story encourages you to connect to the part of you that is worthy and lovable, even though it might be buried under the rubble of pain. I’ve learned that sometimes to discover your own happy-ending fairy tale, you must become your own heroine.”
INFORMATION: “Chasing Mother: A Memoir,” print version available on www.lulu.com; e-book available on Amazon.com